


this is it.

by lovetalkwoo



Series: The Little Ways In Which a Heart Breaks [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Bad Decisions, Bad Ending, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Break Up, Domestic Boyfriends, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, JohnJae - Freeform, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Not Fluff, Not Happy, Post-Break Up, Retirement, Sad, Sad Ending, Sad with Sad Ending, Sadstuck, Unhappy Ending, angsty, bad break up, i only write angst idk what you were expecring, idol johnny seo, peot jaehyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-06-03 10:38:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19462243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovetalkwoo/pseuds/lovetalkwoo
Summary: where there’s still so many things in life that Jaehyun wants to see and experience, but Johnny is tired and wants to settle down soon.





	this is it.

johnny didn’t usually like to come to this part of the city without jaehyun, but it wasn’t like he had a choice. even so, the isolated area of the national park enveloped him in its scenery without hesitation and patted him, almost consolidating him. all johnny could do was sigh and nod, all the while accepting it. after all, this might really be the last time.

_“i’m jaehyun, huge fan.”_

that was the first thing that jaehyun had said to him, johnny remembered, even allowing himself a selfish little smile at such difficult times for the both of them. but he couldn’t help it, it just might be everything that he has left of jaehyun after this.

_johnny laughed, “it’s incredibly nice to meet you as well. should we get started?”_

johnny remembers the little things that jaehyun would do when he was nervous, like nod his head or wipe his sweaty hands on his trousers excessively. at that time, it made johnny wary of jaehyun’s reliability, but now, johnny feels that he would painstakingly miss them if this really does turn out bad for the both.

_“you’re right,” jaehyun laughed, nodding his head as johnny remembered, “these lyrics won’t translate themselves.”_

_he leaned forward to grab a pencil and his lined paper before taking a seat and then abruptly standing up, “i’m sorry,” he started, “here, take a seat.”_

_johnny remembers chuckling, or giggling. or was it laughing?_

_the details are a bit blurry. but he remembers how jaehyun told him that his laugh always filled the room._

_the thought made the snippet of the memory glow in a low shade of bitter gold, “it’s okay,” johnny said, pulling out another chair and taking a seat, “i got it.” he smiled at this nervous wreck of a beauty standing in front of him, “let’s get started.”_

_jaehyun nodded once again, smiling. a little too excessively, but johnny found it endearing._

_jaehyun picked up johnny’s english lyrics from in between them on the table and set a copy of it in front of johnny while keeping another copy for himself, “right,” he said, “so what did you mean by this line?”_

_then, he jumped right into it._

_jaehyun’s translation of johnny’s lyrics into korean came effortlessly like a big, flourishing river that just kept rushing without any rough patches of sharp curves or stones. it was just a beautiful stream that grew the most magnificent forest johnny had ever gotten to witness._

johnny sighed as he thought about how he and jaehyun got together. it made him feel bad because knew that he was the root of it all. and, now, maybe he just was the cause of this whole collapse. it was so fucking ironic.

_“hey,” johnny smiled as jaehyun arrived. this was approximately a month and a half after their first meeting and this was also the ‘coffee date’ two days and a couple hours after their seventh date. truthfully, johnny never expected to enjoy jaehyun’s company so much._

_he thought that jaehyun’s nervous habits would carry over into his personal life, but johnny was proved incredibly wrong._

_outside of his professional life, jaehyun was a man that stood tall, back straight, with a laid back but confident personality that exudes approachability. and as they continued to talk during breaks, jaehyun began to draw johnny’s attention steadily._

_“hey,” jaehyun smiled back, softly. straight out of bed softly. with bed head softly. “how have you been?”_

_johnny enveloped jaehyun’s hand in his, they were so cold, “better now.” he states, making jaehyun crack his smile into so big it could only be described as a grin._

johnny leaned forward in his bench in the park and rubbed his palms back and forth against each other to keep his hands as warm and cozy as jaehyun’s in his memory.

_“so,” jaehyun started as their food arrived, “what brings us here?” he was mixing sugar into his iced americano, “surely it’s more than just to talk about our first times seeing snow and how we felt.”_

_“why not? it’s a sweet topic.” johnny teased._

_jaehyun only shrugged, “the air feels a bit thick to be just about that.” he stretches, “like you wanted to talk about something else but used that as an appetizer.”_

_you got me, thought johnny, “well, i mean, do you have anything in mind that you want to talk about?”_

_“oh, i’ve had my appetizer, now i want the main course.”_

_“is that dirty talk?”_

_“you know what i mean.” jaehyun rolled his eyes playfully as he cut into his pancake, “what’s going on.”_

jaehyun had always known the ins and outs of johnny and it felt right. the way that johnny never seemed to have to explain himself to jaehyun had always felt incredibly right.

yet, as johnny put more thought into it, he realizes that it might just be the reason why they didn’t work out in the end.

when you have two people who know each other’s inner workings, their constant thoughts, and what their motives are, it’s impossible to hide.

and when the time came, it freaked jaehyun out a little that johnny wanted different things than he did.

_“okay,” johnny finally said, head bobbing in defeat, “i just thought that, well,”_

_well?_

_“we’ve gone out a few times,”_

_jaehyun nodded._

_johnny leaned forward, hand in his own. sweating, pulsing: nervous._

_“well,” he swallowed, “i have a lot of fun when i’m around you and i just know that i’ll regret this if i never even bother to try.”_

_“okay...” jaehyun slurs, confused._

except, johnny realised, it wasn’t. it probably never was okay. that all the while johnny kept falling further and further, jaehyun stayed afloat. watching, spectating.

_“well,” johnny groaned in frustration, “i never have this much trouble asking someone out.”_

_there was an empty beat of silence._

_and johnny felt awful._

_“you’re asking me out?”_

clarification. johnny wondered if jaehyun was just giving johnny a chance to retract what he said.

_“yes.” johnny smiled, nervous as fuck, “i enjoy my time with you so much and i don’t think i’ll ever find something as perfect as this,” he meekly points between the both of them, “and i’m afraid of that. i know that i’m not in the country often, that i travel a lot for my job, but i promise that if you give me a chance, i can make you as happy as you make me.”_

fuck, it was so cheesy.

and the image of jaehyun completely still, paralyzed by shock, begins to haunt johnny. but for entirely different reasons now.

it wasn’t the possibility of rejection that johnny was afraid of anymore, but the possibility of him forcing the man that could have been his everything into a relationship that he might not even want to be in.

fuck, johnny sighs, he feels like an antagonist in denial that just discovered that they had indeed murdered half the population of the world.

except.

it was more personal than that.

it was so much more personal than that.

it was so fucking personal it made johnny feel nauseous.

he hates himself.

fuck.

_“so, you’re asking me out.” jaehyun repeats, looking at johnny almost critically as johnny nodded sheepishly, “like, will you be my boyfriend kind of asking out?” he pushes and johnny hummed a shy responsive yes._

_all of the sudden, jaehyun broke into a big smile._

_a big, uncomfortably unreadable smile._

_“yes.”_

though, johnny wished that he had just said no and left it at that.

_for the next four to six months, johnny felt over the moon. everything he had to say felt important because jaehyun was listening to it. everything he did felt right because jaehyun was supportive of it. everything he stood for was exactly — and, at a point in time, only — what jaehyun condoned._

_and as he abandoned his identity for jaehyun, he felt himself being pushed away by the man he was sure loved him._

_but it didn’t bother johnny then._

_everything just kept escalating._

_the korean version of his single was soon released to an explosion of adoration that propelled him right into the heart of the eastern music charts._

_he was on his way to the height of his career: an international star. wanted by all — and taken by the only man he desired._

_nothing bothered him then. he felt so god fucking expensive._

johnny wishes he could stay in that time frame forever. sighing, he stands up from the bench, as the sun behind him begins to set, and makes his way to his car before it becomes too dark for him to see.

_but those few years were short lived._

_as johnny’s bank account began to fill up, the idea of a hiatus or even retirement began to become extremely appealing._

_he never envisioned for him to be a timeless legend that stayed at the top, completely untouchable. johnny knew he’d have to step down at some point and he decided, very early on, that he’d rather do so on his own accord._

_jump off the chart with a bang rather than a slow and embarrassing disappearance from mainstream media._

_his label agreed with that decision, though a little bit hesitant at the beginning._

_all he had to do was break the news to jaehyun._

_“baby,” he calls out to jaehyun who was wrapped up in his arm, “what do you think about settling down? like, retiring, kind of.”_

_he felt jaehyun stirring in his embrace, “retiring?” he peeked out at johnny, “like, settling down and make a home?”_

_“kind of. like, living a more predictable life. like, not travelling so much. just you and me, here in korea.” johnny smiles and playfully poked the tip of jaehyun’s nose, “what do you think?”_

_“like, no more careers?” jaehyun pushed._

_but johnny only shrugged and smiled obliviously, “yeah, i’ve made so much money in the past few years that we can live off it for a life time and still have enough to support any kids we might choose to have in the future.”_

_“kids?” jaehyun broke out of johnny’s grasp abruptly and sat up, his hand on his chest and breathing heavy._

_“i mean, it can’t just be the two of us in this house forever,” johnny said, slowly sitting up, “but if you don’t want kids, we could always adopt a pet or something first to see how it goes.”_

johnny slammed the door to the driver’s seat angrily.

fucking idiot.

it wasn’t the kids that made jaehyun mad.

it was the timing.

_“but,” jaehyun began, getting out of bed. he was beautiful, “i don’t understand. why now?”_

_“well, it doesn’t have to be now.” johnny smiles, still oblivious, “we can do it five years from now or later. i can wait.”_

_“no, no, no. it’s not the kids part. god, just. settling down? like, “going into retirement” settling down. like, “devoting our time to each other only” settling down.” jaehyun ran his hand through his hair, “oh my god.” he breathed, heavily. out of breath almost._

_“i don’t understand.”_

johnny rolled his eyes as he spun down the mountain roads. he was such an idiot.

_“johnny,” jaehyun started but never finished. he sighed and pulled a shirt over his head._

_that night, he carried the blanket from the guest room and slept on the couch downstairs in their living room._

_johnny stayed up to see the sun._

_no conversations were made the next day. jaehyun kept quiet, though johnny doesn’t know why, and johnny didn’t have anything brilliant to start one with._

_this continued for almost two weeks._

_no one said anything, it was all guessing games from there on out._

johnny pulls into the street of their neighborhood, his knuckles tight around the steering wheel.

_“jaehyun,” johnny started the morning of the day he decided to take a hike alone and startled himself. he hadn’t called jaehyun by his name in a while and god, it sounded weird, “we have to talk.” he looks down at the coffee mug in his hand before weakly looking back up at the only person he wanted to be with, “about this thing between us.”_

_but jaehyun doesn’t move._

_and johnny knew that a decision was made._

_without him._

_he didn’t even see it coming._

_johnny nods, “at least tell me what i did wrong.”_

he still remembers the transcript that jaehyun passed over the kitchen island.

**untitled project one.**

_“what is this,” johnny asked, his voice a low whisper now._

_“it’s a project i have been working on.” jaehyun sips his coffee, “it’s a collection of feelings that i have experienced while being with you.” he says as johnny flips through the pages, “i thought you should have it.”_

the lock clicked and the door was popped from its frame. johnny steps inside to see the kitchen half barren, the living room missing souvenirs, and the air stale.

_“why can’t we talk about it?” johnny asked._

_but jaehyun couldn’t even look at johnny, “this book was set to be published next month. i had been working on it since february last year.” he chuckled, it tasted bitter_

_“i don’t understand.” johnny exasperated, absolutely confused, “what does that have to do with anything.”_

_“i wanted this book to be the start of my career.”_

_“fuck.” johnny slams his palm on the table and it stung like mad, “stop running in circles. just once. what the fuck does this have to do with anything?”_

johnny remembers jaehyun looking like a fucking mess.

dark circles and red, veiny eyes.

_jaehyun shook his head slowly, “this book,” he points, “is supposed to be the start of my career.”_

_“okay?”_

_“you should have consulted me before making those decisions for us.”_

_“decisions? what?”_

_“i don’t want to retire.” jaehyun finally sighs, “i don’t even have a fucking career to retire from. you had all this time to build a name for yourself and now you go and make all these decisions to let that all go without consulting me.”_

_“what?” johnny repeats, “i didn’t make any decisions for you.” he walks around the kitchen island and towards jaehyun who moves away, “i didn’t make you retire. i didn’t tell you to retire. i told you i wanted to retire and wondered what you thought about it.”_

_jaehyun chuckles, tears slowly building up around the frame of his eyes, “you said ‘let’s have kids’. ‘let’s settle down’. ‘let’s fucking retire’.”_

_“you could’ve just said ‘no’.” johnny raised his voice._

_something he’s never done to jaehyun before._

_“no.” jaehyun repeats, louder, “you made that decision to retire without me. you don’t give a shit about where i am because you have this glorious resume in your hand. because you’re not an unpublished poet like me. because you’re johnny seo and not jung jaehyun.”_

_“what the fuck are you saying? literally, no one is making you retire. go fucking publish two hundred books, see if i care. i just said we could start thinking about it. thinking about the future of our relationship. no one told you to give up your dreams.”_

_“you did. you brought retirement into our relationship. and kids. and pets. and this. this domestic shit. i postponed my career to follow you around. to satisfy your career. and now that mine is about to take off you pull this trick.”_

_“then what the fuck do you want me to say?”_

_jaehyun stayed silent, tears dripping and gathering on the kitchen island._

_“what do you want me to do, baby.”_

_but jaehyun only shook his head, “don’t call me that anymore. i’m not your ‘baby’.”_

_“what?”_

_“i’m done.”_

and so it was.

and so jaehyun left with everything he had owned.

and so jaehyun turned “their home” into a place that johnny couldn’t begin to recognize.

so, this is it.

though, sometimes, johnny wondered if he really was in the wrong.

or if jaehyun had been looking for reasons to get out of this relationship, and johnny talking about retirement was just the perfect first step.

either way, they ended things.

and this is it.

**Author's Note:**

> ✎ find me on twitter!


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